The Amazing Spiderman 2 is Not Even A Movie

SPOILER WARNING: I’m gonna talk about things that happen in this movie that would be considered spoilers. If you don’t want to be spoiled, I don’t care. This “movie” doesn’t warrant that level of respect, but I don’t want people to be angry that I “ruined” it for them when this “movie” is good at ruining itself for you.


The Amazing Spiderman 2 is not something I can call a movie. It’s more like… 2 and a half TERRIBLE movies, and a halfway decent Romantic short film, but that little ray of decent isn’t enough to counterbalance what was the most befuddling and infuriating movies I have ever seen. This is the kind of bad adaptation film that I think is even worse then the just completely-against-the-source-material movies like Micheal Bay’s Transformers or even Dragonball Evolution. It looks and sounds enough LIKE a good Spiderman movie that some people and fans will look past or not even notice just how bad it is. I mean I’ve seen people that seem to like this movie already. People I know. People who should know better. Just like people I know who liked the first of this reboot series.

But I’m getting away from my point. I should say why the movie is terrible and not get off on a rant about adaptation preferences. I’ll break this “movie” apart sub-movie by sub-movie to show just show my point and how terrible this “movie” is.

The first submovie is what I’d call “Harry Osborn’s Obsession with Bloody Spider Research.” Peter Parker’s parents are deeeeeeead and he’s channeling his emotions into being Spiderman and a completely tonally disjoint romance with his sometimes Girlfriend: Gwen “Hamfistedly Foreshadowed Death” Stacy. His supposed Best Friend Harry Osborn father is deeeeeeeeead because of Plot Disease and Harry’s gonna die too because it’s Genetic Plot Disease.

He wants Spiderman’s blood because he thinks it MAY cure him. Spiderman says no. Because the last time someone did weird animal gene science he almost painted the town green. He gets angry, finds Spider Venom that’s there because the Plot needs it. It doesn’t work. He turns evil, because of course he does. Gets in a suit, THAT HE KNEW ABOUT BEFORE THE VENOM. It keeps him alive somehow and he goes to fight Spiderman. Because Spiderman was right about it not being a good idea or something? I dunno. One of the other movies needs him to do this. He gets taken out almost instantly, after figuring out Spiderman is Peter Parker because Gwen “Yeah, She’s Gonna Die Soon” Stacy is there. Because the plot needed him to so she could be put in danger.

Now, one of the big issues of this submovie is the fact that the “Obviously Green Goblin Suit” has Pumpkin bombs. Now. Green goblin is suppose to, but it doesn’t make ANY SENSE. Even IF the whole thing was made as part of the terrible, Sinister Six Build Up Subplot the pumpkins don’t make sense UNLESS the people at Oscorp are pulling their Supervillian List from another universe’s wikipedia. ALL of the other was Animal themed. Rhino. Vulture. Doc Oc.

“Yeah, Boss. I know all of our armor is animal themed, but you know what we need? A Goblin!”

“You mean like those cannon fodder fantasy things.”

“Yeah… Only it can FLY. ON A HOVER THING, YEAH! AND THROW PUMPKINS!”

“Wouldn’t a Hover Glider thing completely invalidate the need for Vulture Wings. And why would a goblin throw pumpkins? Is he, like, a Halloween Goblin?”

You see what I mean? He has the pumpkin bomb because he’s the Green Goblin. He can’t NOT have them even when it MAKES NO SENSE IN THIS TERRIBLE CONTINUITY.

The second terrible submovie is called “How Terrible Villain Alignment Changes Got Their Electric Groove Back.” Max Dillon is a nerd. We can tell he’s a nerd because he wears GLASSES and people treat him terribly. He’s a fan of Spiderman. One of those creepy fans to talks to himself as Spiderman. It’s not made clear if this obsession comes before or after Spiderman saves him. He works at Oscorp and when there’s an issue in their Convenient Electricity-Based Superscience is having an issue, he has to dangerously climb up on a railing to fix it when no one is there, because everyone else left him behind to work on it to leave early. AND it’s his birthday.

Predictably he falls into a tube of Super Pihanna Electric Eels and they bite him, giving him electrical powers. After waking up in the morgue he wanders ALL the way to Time Square where he causes a commotion and Spiderman shows up. Being smart, Spiderman tries to talk him down. Being an idiot, a police sniper shoots him, when Spiderman had told him not to and the police had seemed to be all chill with Spiderman. This, in addition to the cameramen focusing more on Spiderman than Electric Blue Man, makes him think Spiderman betrayed him. Spiderman then uses Splash Attack and knocks him out.

He’s then taken to an Insane Asylum where he’s being experimented on by Cliche Evil German Mad Scientist. They keep him there by dunking him underwater, which is his weakness but he can still breath in it.

Another aside about the plot not working. They explain that the super healing is a thing that the spider venom can do. That explains why Peter’s eyes healed and he didn’t need the glasses. So… Why does Max Dillon not need glasses anymore? Can eels heal too? If so, Harry should just get eels to bite him. Also, how can Max breath underwater if it’s his weakness? Wouldn’t Electric Eel make him fully Water Adapted?

Ok, so Max Dillon is calling himself Electro. Why…? Because the Plot says so? Then something hit me like a Manhole Cover to the head. This is EXACTLY what happened in the first Reboot. Scientist. Science goes wrong. Genetic Powers. And… Turning full evil for no reason. It happened to Curt Conners, who just because evil when he became the Lizard. That and how Harry just becomes evil seems to enforce an implication even worse than just “Peter Parker is Spiderman because he was meant to be,” which is more enforced when you find out that the Spiders only worked like that on Peter because they were made using his Dad’s DNA. Everyone who is not Peter Parker is genetically made EVIL by this science. Peter is the only on that can be Good with it. With terrible backstory comes terrible, Metal Gear Solid-level misconceptions about Genetics.

Ok, so. Electro gets broken out of Prison and teams up with Harry long enough to get them in to Oscorp. Some people this might be why these two parts are different movies, but it was really just “Electro is the one that’s here.” They have 2 scenes together, after which they aren’t seen together again. Electro goes to eat all the electricity in New York. Spiderman comes and stops him by Yakoning him with too much electricity. Gwen “I Totally Know Science More Science Than Now-Googling Using Peter” Stacy helped, but is mostly here for that foreshadowed death that happens AFTER the big climax where Electro is blown up, the planes that are just there for pointless tention JUST BARELY don’t crash, and Aunt May… does nurse things.

Then there’s part 2.5 of Terrible, which is so short it doesn’t serve a full submovie title but is also the longest running plot thread. I’d call it “The Sinister Studio-Mandated Film-making.”

Paul Giamatti shows up as a Russian gangster that Spiderman beats. Throughout the main “movie” there’s teasers of other future Spiderman villains. At the end of the movie he shows back up in terrible, kinda Rhino themed Mech Armor. The movie ends right as he’s about to fight Spiderman. That’s it. Your Rhino. Your THIRD SUPERVILLAIN OF THE MOVIE IS THE LAST SCENE AND HE ISN’T EVEN FOUGHT THEN. I mean it’s not like teasing future villains as a teaser trailer thing for a future movie in the credits. This is PRE-CREDITS TEASER FOR THE NEXT MOVIE AND IT’S JUST THE END OF AN ENTIRE CURRENT OF TEASER FOR THE WHOLE MOVIE. That’s what this movie is. Part 2 of an ongoing, rushed attempt to just keep Marvel from getting the rights back. And it’s terrible.

Now, for the only decent part. “A Time to Fall in Love.” Peter and Gwen’s romance together actually isn’t that bad, in fact it’s SO much better than the rest of the movie that when it touches the rest of movie it gets worse. I’d love to see if cut up as, like, a trailer about a couple from High School having to deal with moving apart, finally deciding to stay together even if one of them has to move to England to follow the other, and then it not matter in the long run because she tragically dies right after that. Well, it would have been Tragic if that wasn’t the only thing Gwen “Reach Out and Save Me With Your Web Hand” Stacy does and it wasn’t so terribly foreshadowed. I’d love to see this cut up into, like, a trailer or a 10-15 minute short film that doesn’t say it’s Spiderman related. It would literally be the best thing to come from this movie. And it’s sad to say that the Spiderman stuff is the worst part about a Spiderman movie.

In closing, let me say this if it wasn’t apparent. I did not like this “movie.” It’s a terribly put together semblance of a film that people are going to like anyway because of things like “Peter Parker does science!” and “Spiderman makes funny quips as he fights!” But to me those things cannot save a fundamentally so terrible to the core. And that’s really the worst thing about it. They made a “movie” just to advert more movies, full of glaring flaws and terrible writing, and it’s going to work. It’s already made back it’s supposed budget if you also count foreign sales. They won. They get to make more terrible Spiderman movies. Hopefully they at least make ONE movie next time.

One thought on “The Amazing Spiderman 2 is Not Even A Movie

  1. slithersloth says:

    I respect your opinion, but I’m going to have to thoroughly disagree with you. I think that the film works as a complete and cohesive whole. All of the film’s themes and plotlines feed back into the “Life is short, stop trying to be someone else and live your own life” speech that Gwen gives at the start which, while admittedly a little on-the-nose given her characters outcome, serves as the overarching message for the film. Like you, I wrote a whole article explaining my opinion. I suggest checking it out if you want a glimpse of how the other half of the Internet feels about this film. http://slothlikesmovies.wordpress.com/2014/05/05/why-i-think-the-amazing-spider-man-2-is-a-damn-near-perfect-superhero-movie/

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s